Where to start...?

Well let's start with my name... I'm Erin.

This is my first blog... EVER. I am deciding to start a diary of sorts to mark my journey... As of today my life is going to change... drastically. Today I made my first appointment with a Bariatric Surgeon... I have been considering Lap Band for years now. I have my consultation on November the 20th. It's a four hour appointment in a classroom setting... I will be meeting with an insurance specialist to go over any requirements. (For anyone else out there dealing with insurance I have Blue Shield of California... I will keep you all updated as to what kind of hoops I will be jumping through and please let me know if you had any also.)

I am nervous and excited and scared shitless right now.

A little bit about me... I am 29 (eeek) I currently live in sunny Southern California. I was raised in New Jersey... yes Joyzee and NO I don't say it like that.

For as long as I can remember I have been overweight. Even when I was little... I was always the "fat" girl in my classes. I was also the tall girl. I was tortured through grade school, middle school, and high school. I was blessed to have the best family in the world to help me though my education.

My mom and grandmother and all of my aunts instilled so much confidence into me. Without their love I dont know what I would have done. Women understand other women and the pain we go through (even the skinny ones). I would come home in tears sooooo many times. I can remember my grandma "skolding" me... "you are such a beautiful girl Erin there is no reason for you to be crying ... now stop" LOL It was always with love and a hug she would tell me this.

I miss her with all of my heart.

Part of me is doing this for her. I know she would want me to be happy and healthy... not depressed and morbidly obese... Yup thats me I - am - Mobidly Obese... Have been for a long time now. I have hit my all time high of 299.../cry.

I have never actually written that down .... two hundred and ninety nine.... OMG

I can't even remember the last time I was 150... I remember 180 I was a freshman in HS I was playing VolleyBall... I sucked at it but I felt good... That was my lowest that I can remember. I want that back. I want to dance and walk and swim and play volleyball and not be in pain for days on end if I do.

I want so badly to not have to battle with food and the guilt that comes after I've eaten WAAAAAAy too much. I LOVE food... I think anyone that is over weight does. But... I ... have a relatioship with food. Food is my comfort, food has replaced the things missing in my life. I realize that, now after having read so many other forums and blogs, I am not the only one. I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, premenstual, menstrual... When I miss my family, when I'm having a bad day, when I'm having a good day... You get the idea.

I want to look at a peice of cake and not want to eat the entire thing and then go back for seconds, thirds, fourths...

I want to live my life to the fullest, get married have kids and be around for both them and my husband for a long long time.

I want to wear REGULAR sized clothes .... even if it is a 14/16.

I DO NOT want to be the fatest girl in the room anymore.

So this is my beginning... My first step in many, to my new life...